ZOMBIFRIEZE, Book One

Zombifrieze Now Available!



Zombifrieze by W. Bill Czolgosz and Sean Simmans is now available at the following on-line retailers:

Full-color Paperback:

Amazon.com
Amazon.ca
Amazon.co.uk
Barnes and Noble
Other On-line Retailers

Full-color eBook:

Amazon Kindle
Fictionwise.com

The Story:

Times are tough . . .

The ruling despots, from the safety of Ahura Mazda, their hidden underground fortress, have plunged the nation into civil war . . .

The church has been taken over by a pagan fanatic who craves Armageddon . . .

False-flag nuclear attacks on home soil are destroying the planet . . .

And now the dead have risen up to feast on the living.

Zora, an army deserter who hears voices from above, joins up with a baldly scalded nuke-survivor named Zeno in order to locate Ahura Mazda and deliver a taste of justice to the cowards who orchestrated the apocalypse . . . preferably without being served up as zombie lunch-meat.

A paranoid, absurdist fable spattered throughout with humor, bathos and viscera . . .


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Zombifrieze Now Available!

Zombifrieze by W. Bill Czolgosz and Sean Simmans is now available at the following on-line retailers:

Full-color Paperback:

Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1897217935/themaniworlof-20

Amazon.co.uk - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1897217935?ie=UTF8&tag=thofsiofauapf-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=1897217935

Barnes and Noble - http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbninquiry.asp?ISBN=1897217935

Other On-line Retailers - http://www.bestwebbuys.com/9781897217931

Full-color eBook:

Amazon Kindle - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002BIGMYC/themaniworlof-20

Fictionwise.com - http://www.fictionwise.com/servlet/mw?t=book&bi=86542&id=281005

Synopsis:

Times are tough . . .

The ruling despots, from the safety of Ahura Mazda, their hidden underground fortress, have plunged the nation into civil war . . .

The church has been taken over by a pagan fanatic who craves Armageddon . . .

False-flag nuclear attacks on home soil are destroying the planet . . .

And now the dead have risen up to feast on the living.

Zora, an army deserter who hears voices from above, joins up with a baldly scalded nuke-survivor named Zeno in order to locate Ahura Mazda and deliver a taste of justice to the cowards who orchestrated the apocalypse . . . preferably without being served up as zombie lunch-meat.

A paranoid, absurdist fable spattered throughout with humor, bathos and viscera . . .

TUPAC ON THE ORCA

Dear Bill,

What was the lowest point of your life so far?

-- Nadir X,
Oslo

---

Dear Nads,

I was going to say something about my 1998 trip to the urologist, but then I remembered what happened to me three minutes ago.
Yesterday, I was told by a so-called "friend" that the 2005 remake of THE FOG was pretty watchable. "Not great," he said, "but a good rent. Plus, MAGGIE GRACE is pure EYE CANDY."
So I rented it.
Holy shit, my "friend" sure fucked me. BIG TIME.
THE FOG is garbage. Not fun garbage. Not sexy garbage. Not artsy garbage. Just garbage.
First of all, I don't think John Carpenter's original FOG movie was interesting enough to warrant a remake. Seaweed-covered pirates in the mist isn't even scary to a ten year-old. It's just fucking goofy.
How goofy? Consider this tripe from the updated version:
- Ghosts travel in the fog. But they also travel independently of the fog. And sometimes the fog travels independently of the ghosts.
- The fog cannot get through sealed doors, but the ghosts can open the doors with their hands... but sometimes they can't.
- If a ghost touches you, you will turn to charcoal. At other times, you can kick free of the ghost's wimpy grasp.
- The ghosts can break the glass windows of boats and automobiles, but not house glass. "House glass" is apparently special.
- The ghosts are haunting a town of 3000 residents, but only nine are seen onscreen during the entire duration of the film.
- The ghosts are seeking revenge for a heinous act commited 150 years ago. Why did they not just get their revenge 149 years ago? Why did they wait 150 years?
- Reincarnation, once again, is terribly regional.
- A black man can survive in a 7 cubic-foot freezer overnight with no oxygen, provided that he talks like the hippest gangsta in all of fish town.
- When video evidence might free your friend, a murder suspect, the best thing to do is hide it from police.
- Maggie Grace is a talentless whore.
- If the fog is full of murderous ghosts who can turn innocent people to charcoal with one touch, why can't they kill everyone in town in just ONE night? Why do they have to come back? Why are only four people dead?
- Why is the mayor dedicating statues at 10:00 PM?
- Why is Tom Welling window shopping for boat parts at 11:00 PM?
- Who the fuck wrote this?
And why, oh WHY, would my "friend" even passively recommend this to me?
Does he think this is good writing? Tense plot? Nifty idea? Competent direction? Good acting? Lots of tits? Great effects? A marginally interesting idea? Killer concept? Intelligent design? Sharp dialogue? A dull but passable idea? Casting? Lighting? Catering..?
None of the above. Maybe catering. The money had to go SOMEWHERE.
If you own this movie but haven't yet watched it, do yourself a favor and scratch it with your keys so it can never be played.
Childish and dumb. I pity the person who enjoys THE FOG.

THE U.N. SAYS...

Everyone
has
the
right
to
freedom
of
opinion
and
expression

Keep that in mind while Irving and Zundel are being persecuted (and prosecuted) for expressing their opinions on the Holocaust.

TWO SCOOPS OF RAISINS!

The rumors and innuendo are killing me. What a rotten fuckin' day!
I guess I'll answer these emailed, telephoned and FedExed questions all at once.
It's the ONLY way to make it stop!

Dear Bill,
Is it true that you are romantically linked to Pat Sajak?
-- Bob Sole, Brunei

I heard Hypatia Lee is your auntie.
-- Ric Flair, via Gmail

What's it like having the world's largest organ?
-- Teagan Presley

Are you dating Teagan Presley?
-- Ed O'Dell, Munich

I heard that anal bleaching is the only way to go. True?
-- Hillary Duff, SWANK Magazine, WV

---

Dear All of You,

Thank God I live in a country where even a convicted serial child molester like Jack Layton (NDP) can run for prime minister! I'll be casting my vote for one of the other lying assholes, or maybe none at all.
Somebody said, "If you don't vote, you can't bitch." But then my sister told me, "I pay taxes, so I can bitch all I want."
I'm thinking, the very fact that I was born in this shitty country gives me the right to whine as loud as I want. I DIDN'T ASK FOR A FEDERAL POLICE FORCE! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PAY FOR UTILITIES! FUCK YOU GUYS! I'M A PRISONER OF YOUR FAUX DEMOCRATIC PROCESS!
But enough about me. Here's more about me:
I am NOT dating Teagan Presley! That rumor was begun and perpetuated by Wikipedia. To wit--

Teagan Presley (born July 24, 1985) is an American pornographic actress. Presley is the oldest sibling in her family and helped raise three brothers and three sisters in Houston, Texas. Presley began training in dance and gymnastics when she was seven. She relocated to Southern California when she was 10. She went on to dance with Joffery Ballet and later was accepted into the American Ballet Theater.
When she was 15, Presley represented the United States at dance and gymnastic events in Germany and Denmark, where she was introduced to anal sex by a group of horny, goddamn Germans. Presley continued competing nationally until she graduated high school at the age of 17. Presley performed in her first pornographic film in January, 2004. She appeared in 40 pornographic films in the next 8 days, many of which included anal scenes. In late 2004, she signed an exclusive three-year performing contract with the adult movie studio Digital Playground and received breast implants and labial braiding. Presley claims she first became involved in pornography for revenge against her ex-boyfriend, Bill Czolgosz.
In November 2005, Teagan gave birth to a baby girl while getting spit-roasted in ASS 2 MOUTH VOLUME 12. It was the first XXX live birth ever sold on DVD. Teagan would like to reconcile with Bill because he has such an awesome wang.

Obviously, there's another Bill Czolgosz out there somewhere.
Here's something else I'm NOT doing:

Anal bleaching is the practice of bleaching the darker pigmentation of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes. There has been much debate about whether anal bleaching is a real phenomenon or an urban myth, with the names of a number of famous actresses being linked with the practice in rumors. According to Tristan Taormino in an article in the Village Voice, the phenomenon is real, with a preparation including hydroquinone and camel spittle as an active ingredient being used. In and around Los Angeles, beauty salons advertise the service, usually around $75 a session. Pat Sajak has had his anus bleached to the point of invisibilty. According to sources, it's like a translucent doughnut now.

I hope everything is cleared up now.
Goodbye and fuck all of you.

Love, Bill

RAINY DAY FUN

Dear Bill,

Ever since Johnny left me, I don't know what to do with myself. God, I miss his doughy white ass! How do I pass the time?

-- Glen Hayden

---

Dear FF,

There are too many hours in the day. Man, I know it. I'd like to lose 3:30 to 6:00 PM and the entire 59 minutes that come after midnight.
Here's what you can do to while away your pathetic life:

-- Rename all your pets Bandyboo.

-- Cut the wings off your sister's pads.

-- Try to find "Sexy Brazillian Girls Farting" on Limewire. (Christ knows it wouldn't download for me!)

-- Make a sandwich.

-- Call a friend over and then hide.

-- Draw little circles on everything.

-- Put a banana in your shoe.

-- Write a letter to Oprah and ask, "How come your magazine sucks? How come you're always on the cover? Are you fat today?"

-- Build a miniature tee-pee.

-- Act like a douchebag in private.

-- Say "Hello" to Effexor.

-- Beat up an old person.

-- Set fire to a chair. Watch it burn.

-- Measure yourself with a cardboard toilet paper tube. (If you can't, that's good.)

-- Phone your mom and bitch her out.

-- Watch KING KONG from the beginning.

-- Fold your unfoldables. All of them.

-- Yell out the window.

-- Blog.

-- Sleep in cat piss, on the floor.

-- Become irate with a certain food group.

-- Appreciate mauve.

-- Fill your shorts with pink insulation.

-- Rinse. Repeat tomorrow. Mix it up a bit.

MOVIES-- PART THREE

...

OK, I saw KONG last night.

Initially, I was amazed. Now I've had 16 hours to reflect on what I saw. Basically, KING KONG is the new TITANIC. That is, only 1/3 of the movie is good, but that 1/3 is so good that it more than makes up for the 2/3 that sucks monkey balls.

Truth is, I nearly walked out of KONG. I was thisfuckingclose. Seriously, the first hour of the movie is pointless bullshit that seems to have been written by a sixth-grader. The dialogue is awful. Fans will say that it was "intentionally awful" in order to realistically capture the era of awful dialogue, but that doesn't wash with me. In truth, George Lucas looks like David Mamet when his cheesy Star Wars scripts are weighed against this shit.

And then there's the seriously annoying problem of slo-motion sequences. When Adrien Brody typed S-K-U-L-L I-S-L-A-N-D to the beat of a Congo bongo drum, I wanted to cry.

Then everyone finally arrives at KONG-land and the movie gets good. Amazingly good. Act II of KING KONG is better than all three JURASSIC PARKs put together. In fact, it's everything TOMB RAIDER should have been but wasn't. Ancient cities, scary monsters, giant bugs. Lots of running and falling. Almost TOO MUCH falling, actually.

And then we head back to New York and everything turns to shit again. You know the story. KONG escapes and goes ice-skating while listening to The Nutcracker Suite, then climbs the Empire state building and dies.

You can arrive 45 minutes late to this film, leave a half hour before the credits roll, and you won't miss a thing. Plus, you will have enjoyed it more.

This film gets NINE STARS (*********) out of ten for the middle act. The rest of it is shit. True whore shit.

As pure cinema, it is a true spectacle-- impervious to any criticisms I might have concerning what should have been left on the floor of the editing room.

See it with someone you care deeply about. And then forget about it. (It would be impossible to completely watch a second time.)

Ho hum.

MOVIES-- PART TWO

Dear Bill,

Ok, back to the film chat... Enough from hand-jobbing whores...(?)

-- Jorge of the Geungle

---

Dear Whore-Hey,

Tonight KING KONG is playing in my shitty town and I'll be third in line. Speaking of unnecessary remakes, I watched the new BAD NEWS BEARS last night and DID NOT hate it. This, thanks to Richard Linklater, is how a remake should be done. It was almost exactly the same as the original, but with updated cuss-words. Nice! And Billy Bob Thornton is "one sexy scumbag" after all...

Other things that sucked recently on my screen:

BEYOND BORDERS-- I did not watch more than ten minutes of this shit-stained mess. Angelina Jolie sucks, except when she's naked. (And when WAS the last time she was naked, anyway? This woman is almost obsolete.)

MONSTER IN LAW-- Just kidding. I did not rent this film. Ha ha. It still sucks, tho'.

OCEAN'S TWELVE-- Possibly the worst film of last year, except for--

BEN AFFLECK-- If he was in a movie, it was crap. Also--

MATT DAMON-- Who WAS in OCEAN'S TWELVE. (And THE BOURNE SUPPOSITORY.)

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY-- was awesome! Except that The Heart Of Gold did not appear to be shaped like a running shoe. Not to these tired old eyes. And Zooey Deschanel MUST call me!

ELIZABETHTOWN-- If Orlando Bloom is in it, count me out.

DOOM-- I am having difficulty with the new video game. This shit has gotten harder.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN-- Gay cowboys. I might rent this when I need a chuckle. (Cowboys are ALWAYS funny, especially the gay ones.)

THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE-- Has anyone jerked off while thinking of Laura Linney? I know I have. That was CONGO.

THE LONGEST YARD-- It is time for Adam Sandler to go. Seriously.

WEDDING CRASHERS-- Owen Wilson, please accompany Adam Sandler.